Subject: Offences Against The Holy Emperor
Compiled by: Inquisitor Asphodel, Scourge Of Inpurity, Killer Of Heretics.
Thought For The Day: Too much is never enough.
As of 0900001 M.21
1.) Listening to any of the following music bands:
Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, or Blink 182.
2.) Cursing in the Emperor's name.
3.) Speaking the Emperor's name with out any good reason.
4.) Using the Emperor's name to make your sentence sound good.
5.) Writing the Emperor's name somewhere indecent, such as the toilet, a woman's breast, or a man's left butt cheek.
6.) Speaking the Emperor's name with a full mouth.
7.) Speaking the Emperor's name in a sentence where there is a swear word.
8.) Pronouncing the Emperor's name incorrectly.
9.) Spelling the Emperor's name incorrectly.
10.) Each sentence said or written must include the Emperor's name at least twelve times.
Other offences include:
Drinking Cascade beer, being a teeny bopping fuck, eating cheap cereal, playing a Nintendo 64, playing a Dreamcast, playing the X-Box, not slapping an ugly woman, not punching an ugly woman, not killing an ugly woman, not being a fan of South Park, never been fan of G.I. Joe or Transformers, never watched an episode of G.I. Joe or Transformers, never heard of Madballs' song: Pride, don't know what Half-Life is, never played a game of Half-Life, thinking that Half-Life sucks, never owning either a Master System 1 or 2, Megadrive 1 or 2, whining when seeing something gory, looking away when seeing something gory, never enjoyed seeing something gory (!), been in a Domino restaraunt, eating a Domino pizza (soul reedemable if you die on the puke after), never had a MSN name of "Bury thy serpentine in Her fiery Eden, rapturing Her soul to an euphoric orgasm, then imbed thy Dark Seed into Her aching sex", never read a PlayBoy or Penthouse, reading this ever so long bullshit, disliking SONY, not realising the importance of massaging dead frogs, spending 5 hours on the Internet searching for 'How To Clean The Crevices On Your Keyboard', spending one billionth of time searching gay porn, accepting gay men, being a gay man, having gay sex, not killing yourself for being gay, being a homosexual, not being straight, shaking hands with the Oompa Loompa killing Pineapple Kids, eating Corn Flakes without sugar, studying three computer subjects and two English subjects, asking a Finnish chick by the name of Jenni out before you even know Her, said anything against a Finnish chick by the name of Jenni, wanting Jenni unless you have the name of Daniel Kosta (!), doing the latter with Leila, never moshed in a live concert, never been drunk, done a vegimite slice, injecting mild coffee into your bloodstream, argue against the use of a audio tape cassette, argue against the use of a record player, doing the scracth-tha-fuck-outta-of-that-old-Russian-folk-music-record-that-is-worth-fifteen-Rubels thing, having an odd number of testicles, not knowing that I+I= a window, not smashing Patrick Jones' (aka Jonsey) face into a locker, after some girl saying to you "I like" you reply "well I hate you", never had the chance to watch Saving Private Ryan, not ever watching Deathwish, not laughing at a man who has no limbs, sticking your penis into a hot pie in which you receive third degree burns, having 4MB of RAM in your awesome 386, never sang in a growl or pompous style, saying that all this which is written is completely absurd and has no relevance to anything.
Also, not listening to decent music 2 hours per day. Accepted music includes: AC/DC, Alchemist, Amen, At The Gates, Blind Guardian, Bloodbath, Bolt Thrower, Brujeria, Cannibal Corpse, Children Of Bodom, CRADLE OF FILTH, Death, Dimmu Borgir, Dreadnought, Ebony Tears, Fear Factory (pre-Digimortal), Frankenbok, *Happy Clown*, Iced Earth, In Flames, Iron Maiden, Kreator, Machinehead (pre The Burning Red), Manowar, Megadeth, Metallica (pre Reload), Morbid Angel, Napalm Death, Nevermore, Nile, Obituary ("These are, my friends, no sport, nice car"), O P E T H, Out, Pantera, Sepultura (pre Against), Slayer, Slipknot, S.O.D., Soulfly, Sound Garden, Spinal Tap, Spineshank, *Sunaru*, System Of A Down, Theatre Of Tragedy, *The Fallen*, The Haunted, Vision Of Disorder.
If any of these offences have been done in your whole lifetime, you will be hunted down and burnt at the stake. Thank you for your time.